11 Sep So Happy
I am so happy.
So, so, so, so stupidly happy with my life right now, and changes that I’ve made.
I think, as humans, we generally have pretty strong feelings about change: hate, love, fear, excitement, to name a few. When we’re unhappy, we crave change and aspire to do everything we can to make it happen. It’s so easy to say that one cheesy line to ourselves: “Your happiness is in your own hands! Make change happen, find your bliss!” But most of the time it isn’t that simple (or at least it doesn’t feel like it), and it’s so easy to be swept away by the negative thoughts.
I’m never going to go anywhere.
I’m never going to be happy.
It’s ME that’s the problem.
I’m impossible to satisfy.
If there’s anything I’ve learned in the past two years of struggling with depression, it’s that change takes time. As a “doer” and a “fixer”, I often feel like I should be doing something all the time to improve any and every situation, and when I don’t accomplish said goal I immediately blame myself. I feel I should be doing something better, working harder. And then the thoughts replay.
I’m terrified everyday that this happiness is fleeting; that it can disappear just as fast as it appeared.
I force myself to quiet those thoughts that tell me I’m not good enough, and JUST ENJOY. But for anyone that has not crossed that daunting bump in the road just yet, you need to know that the power to change your life is in your hands.
When you are not happy with where you are, what you are doing, who you surround yourself with, CHANGE IT.
IT IS NOT EASY AND IT MAY FEEL LIKE FOREVER. Sometimes you cannot visualize it no matter how hard you try. Sometimes you are angry at the world because you want everything to change NOW. Like many of you, I wasn’t blessed with the virtue of patience (thanks, Mom) but I was blessed with the best family and friends a girl could ever dream of, and I was lucky to be able to lean on them through the tough times.
The first real step that I took towards making a difference in my life was admitting there was a problem in the first place. It’s cute that I call it a “step” now, because in truth it was an explosion. Sputtering the words “I think I need help” to my parents, through tears, snot and hyperventilating, was the bravest thing I have ever done and I am still so proud of myself. After seeing a wonderful therapist for a few months I started to understand my own feelings and discovered the necessary tools to cope with them. With a combination of therapy, transparency with my loved ones and self-awareness, I now feel more equipped than ever to push that darkness away.
DON’T stop working towards your goal, even when it feels like nothing is happening.
DO lean on the people you love, they will make everything better.
And for the love of god, DON’T settle.
Because your happiness is in your own hands! Make change happen, find your bliss!
And all that other crap.