motherhood Tag

I am a 38-year old woman, married with two beautiful daughters, and a house in the suburbs. I am certain that we share some common interests and hobbies. I might be your neighbour, best friend, acquaintance, relative, or a complete stranger. I am also a victim of domestic abuse.

Several years ago I was sitting in a psychologist’s office when my personal narrative was unexpectedly uprooted, violently rearranged, and permanently altered as if hit by a tornado. As soon as I heard the words, “What she did was selfless and in fact an act...

logan_onlySometimes, things don’t always work out the way you thought they would.  I never necessarily envisioned myself having a huge family, but after having my son and experiencing that ridiculous, unique love that seems to be inherent to becoming a mother, I had always imagined I would have another.  But after my painful struggle with infertility, I have finally come to terms with the fact that my son will be an only child and essentially, I will be a mom to one, single, extraordinary little boy.

It’s been a while since I last had the opportunity to “blog”, but since my mat leave came to an end in February, I quickly fell back into the ever-so busy and demanding responsibilities of work, leaving me very little personal time. I have caught up with my grading and corrections and now have some time to myself! Wow – what to do with a whole hour? I should probably be cooking or doing laundry, but instead I have chosen to write about something that has been on my mind for some time. My almost 14-month old will probably wake up from her nap shortly, but in the meantime, I am relishing in the quiet and listening to contemporary jazz as I collect my thoughts.

  File 2016-04-20, 8 46 34 PM It’s no secret that I have a busy schedule. Just today a friend asked me to have lunch at the last minute and how I wished I could have jumped on that but I apologized and said let’s book a time in advance for next week. So with the Passover holiday approaching, I had to schedule some time in to do some cooking. (Thankfully) I am not hosting a Seder but I do have to prepare my share of dishes.

FullSizeRender-1Growing up, I didn’t always get a lot of positive reinforcement. When I was young, I longed to be acknowledged; to be praised and told that I was great or smart or funny. Despite this lack of affirmation, I still somehow managed to develop confidence and a strong sense of self. I learned to become my own cheerleader and to find validation from within.  I’m not exactly sure where this self-assurance came from, but I realized that being strong and fearless were my survival skills.

As a self-taught marketer working for some of the biggest fashion companies in Montreal I always put in 110% effort when it came to my work. I lived for fashion and had a passion for using my creative expression to build brands and satisfy customers. Work was priority and I used it to fulfil my days and sometimes even my nights.

But what happens when your priorities change? When you go through something so monumental that changes you deep within your core, so much so that you feel like the person you have been your whole life just disappears before your eyes… for me that was motherhood.

hockey-mom When I was pregnant with my first child I was terrified. Once I got over the shock and the excitement began to settle in, I knew I wanted to find out the sex of my new baby. As much as I had hopes and dreams of tutus and ribbons (as many women do), I knew inside that I was going to be blessed with a boy. After all signs pointed to a healthy baby, this was of course confirmed. Okay, I thought, so it won’t be pretty in pink. Maybe next time.

I bat my eyelids and suddenly my daughter turned 7 months old. The rate at which time is marching is really quite mind-boggling, and when people tell me, “enjoy, it goes so fast”, they weren’t kidding! As I despondently packed up all her 3-6 month summer dresses and pink frills, I found myself thinking into the future… what will she be when she grows up? What will she be passionate about? How will she impact the world?

My daughter is my first-born, and as with all mothers of firstborns, I didn't know any differently. I knew she was a hard baby, that was evident-- she was the type of baby to make a fool out of sleep training, a baby who learned to fake cough at 12 weeks for attention-- but I had no idea what I was up against until her emergence into toddlerhood coincided with the birth of my easygoing son. Not only did it strike me that not all babies are that exhausting, but I also came to understand what it meant to have not just a toddler, not just a hard toddler, but to be the parent of a strong-willed child.

  Our daughter comes in the world 12-30-10 008Many years ago I was told by someone whom I admired and cared about very much told me, “Only the strongest women birth daughters”! From that moment on, I thought about the intense pressure it would be to raise a young lady. I also knew that growing up as a girl in my day wasn’t easy due to so much pressure on females to be pretty, skinny and popular in order to achieve success and be liked. Combine those two items and the birth of my daughter, and WHAMO! I was thrust into a lot of thought as to what lessons I wanted to teach my daughter so she would grow up feeling self-confident, strong, and loved and ready to tackle the world!

I was never one to preoccupy myself with finding a husband and having babies, not setting deadlines for these life events.
It had always been something that would “happen when or if it was meant to happen”. I was turning 30 and my career in Human Resources was starting to take shape and I wanted to continue to focus on developing that, all the while having a nagging feeling that if I didn’t pay attention to dating someone seriously I may find myself childless at 40. I knew that I wanted a family of my own it just really wasn’t a huge focus like many of my peers. Fast forward a couple of years and I met my now Husband and within 2 years of meeting we got married and bought a new home. The following year we had our daughter and two years later we had our son.

unnamed-4Today is Brandon’s 38th birthday. That is, it would have been Brandon’s 38th birthday…had he not gotten Leukemia…had he not died four years ago at age 34. I miss my love every single day. But it is on these anniversaries that his absence is that much more pronounced – the birthdays, the holidays and our family’s significant moments.

Today is my birthday.  I’m 36 years old.
I was woken up with a warm kiss from my husband followe20140320_162804d by wet kisses and big hugs from my son.  He looked at me with his big beautiful eyes full of excitement and screamed “Happy Birthday Mama!!!”. His enthusiasm was genuine and palpable.  And it touched my heart.  The warm wishes were followed by the presentation of a card that he had proudly made accompanied by a song as he strummed his toy guitar.

The other day, I was talking to my very pregnant friend.  She was telling me that if she hears the words, “Sleep now while you can, cause once you have kids, you’ll never sleep again” uttered by one more parent wanting to offer her advice, she was going to scream. I totally understood where she was coming from.  I remember before having my son, getting that same warning time and time again.

Lately my life seems to be filled with lots of twists, turns, and obstacles.
It’s natural that with our busy and often non-stop routines we are bombarded with a multitude of daily challenges – some of which can be compared to tiny pebbles and others which feels like enormous boulders.  As I have mentioned before, as a mother, I spend a great deal of my life behind the wheel of my car.  While in the car this week, I found myself having to drive over many speed bumps, and lots of things became very clear to me…

I am a huge TV watcher…..always have been and probably always will be. My husband designs video games for a living and could easily be described as a “techie”.  We have all the latest gadgets and gizmos: PCs, several laptops, iPads, tablets….you name it, we have...

One of my very best friends is having her first baby in a few months and I cannot be more thrilled for her.
She is a wonderful person who is patient, kind and loving....all the components necessary for becoming an amazing mama.  Soon, she will have the honor of wearing her well-deserved motherhood badge and will plunge into the ever-so-glamorous world of poop, spit-up, mommy-guilt and exhaustion.